We’ve updated our Terms of Use to reflect our new entity name and address. You can review the changes here.
We’ve updated our Terms of Use. You can review the changes here.
/

  • Streaming + Download

    Includes high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more. Paying supporters also get unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app.
    Purchasable with gift card

      name your price

     

  • Buy the Full Digital Album

about

Warning: The song you are about to hear contains a potentially unsafe amount of awesome. Worthless losers are advised to leave the room and go watch Wheel of Fortune or something. For the rest of you, this is a funk-injected song about the manliest thing in the universe, right after bacon-flavored dynamite.

lyrics

You may have grappled with the handlebar, you may have taken out the Fu Manchu
But they don't come within a mile of the carpeted smile that I wear
Rugged as a bear on an ATV, and like a hedge impeccably pruned
Oozin' unmistakable butchness out of every hair
Got a Tom Selleck mammoth sittin' on my lip
Like a freaky fuzzy fully loaded battleship
Shootin' sex torpedoes that'll make your foundation shake
Girl, there ain't nothin' you can push that my manular bush can't take

So baby won't you brush up your body against all the lovin' of my facial hair?
Take advantage of your sense of touch when it's too dark to see
Baby don't nothin' get too intense for all the lovin' of my facial hair
Let's get freaky follicly
Get that razor away from me!

Allow me to explain in further detail…

When you're lonely and you're feelin' cold, don't you know I'll be there in a flash
I'll be comin' straight and true and all you have to do is whistle
And I'll know just where you are, 'cause I got sonar and GPS installed in my mustache
And I will wrap you and protect you in a forest of my manly bristle
I'm always ready for the day 'cause while I'm takin' a snooze
My beard is up and makin' coffee readin' Yahoo! News
Usin' volumizin' lotion so it's thick enough to stick things in
How many guys you know play tennis with a racket stickin' out of their chin?

So baby won't you brush up your body against all the lovin' of my facial hair?
Take a ride across the prairie that's the hairiest that hairy can be
Baby nothin' in the world gets too intense for all the lovin' of my facial hair
Let's go frolic follicly
Now, let's change the key.

Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin, and Saddam Hussein
They're all burnin' in hell, but their 'staches all went to heaven
And then I heard they shaved off Einstein's and saved it along with his genius brain
Now it belongs to a Pakistani cashier at 7-11
And my beard keeps growin' like a bumper crop
If it was slightly longer I could play for ZZ Top
My eyebrows won Pulitzers and my sideburns both have PhD's
I'm afraid my facial hair might be a tiny smidgen smarter than me

So baby won't you brush up your body against all the lovin' of my facial hair?
Take advantage of your sense of touch when it's too dark to see
Baby don't nothin' get too intense for all the lovin' of my facial hair
Let's get freaky follicly.

Give my regards to Barbasol!

credits

from Grapefruit Teeth: A Compendium of Industrial Dixieland Tone Poems for Fiddle and Fire Hydrant, Chapter 1: Rise of the Hyena People, released June 18, 2012
Music and Lyrics by Kobi LaCroix

license

tags

If you like Kobi LaCroix, you may also like:

Bandcamp Daily  your guide to the world of Bandcamp

On Bandcamp Radio

Saxophonist Isaiah Collier chats about his new LP and the influence of Pharoah Sanders.
listen now