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Rise of the Hyena People

by Kobi LaCroix

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When I released my very first comedy album (you know, the one with the unnecessarily long name), I included a phrase in the title that I just knew I would have to make into a song one day. Well, that song finally exists now, and it only took me a freakin’ decade (as opposed to a regular decade)!


Sorry to alarm you, but this is urgent, we haven’t got time to stall
’Cause here in this town there’s a menace emerging that’s threatening to kill us all
Twelve foot tall and covered with spots
Fangs like daggers and murderous thoughts
Dismembering and devouring every person they see
Spreading carnage and calamity and giggling with glee

Falling from the trees
Leaping from the bushes
Ravenous hyena people out for human blood
Can you hear their evil laughter?
Ha ha, now you’re dead!

Innocent little Priscilla
Was gonna celebrate turning five
But then she turned into a fuzzy killer
Gulped down all the party guests alive
Soon the vicar starts shifting while the Bible he quotes
Now he’s making people holey chomping down on their throats
These man-eating monsters have got to be stopped
If they eat everyone they meet, why don’t we feed them the cops?

Bounding through the streets
Crashing through the windows
Gluttonous hyena people want to make us lunch
They’ll crush your head between their fingers
And ventilate your guts

When asked if there were any theories that they could construct
The paranormal experts all agreed that we were fucked
We still don’t know the reason why these yeens are so malign
But you could be the next to turn, so watch for warning signs!
If your chest’s a bit too hairy, or your face is getting long
Your eyes have shifted color, and your breath smells way too strong
You’ve been prowling on your tiptoes. You suddenly sprout a tail!
If you’ve ever watched the Tonight Show and thought the jokes were not too stale

Well, you’d better make the most of the time that remains while your humanity crumbles within
’Til the homicidal urges start invading your brain, your face frozen in a twisted grin
You’re almost out of hope now for saving your soul
But there’s one solution still possible
I know it’s a long shot, but listen to this
You just have to…hehe, hehehehe, AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!

Impolite hyena people will even eat your pets
Swimming in your pool
Digging through your garbage
Voracious hyena people will chew your ass to death!


released October 24, 2022



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